Horoscopes
Nick Reilly
Issue date: 11/5/09 Section: Off the Wall
Aries (March 21-April 19) --
Today is a 7 --
Although communication comes from unique directions today, ignore it. Change is never a good thing. Buy American.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) --
Today is a 4 --
A radish isn't a radish until it is planted. As long as you keep these things in mind, the penguins will stay away. Also, quit using non sequitur's, people find it annoying.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) --
Today is a 5 --
Tomorrow night, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride, f*cking with you. F*ck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) --
Today is a 5 --
New channels of information open for you. Make sure your digital recorder has its batteries charged, you don't want to be the boy who cried: "closet-case!"
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) --
Today is a 4 --
As Jupiter enters the seventh house and the new moon arrives and peeks out from behind the clouds Uranus will be visible through the Big Dipper. Close your blinds, the neighbors are complaining.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) --
Today is a 3 --
You may not hear today. You're so caught up in your own affairs, you don't even notice your friends telling you about the silverfish in your ear.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) --
Today is a 6 --
Don't shoot the messenger. If you're not clear about the message, go back to the source and shoot him.
Scorpio (Oct. 23--Nov. 21) --
Today is a 69 --
Do you want to snuggle under the covers and stay home? Call us at 1-900-SPANK-ME, we deliver, you save!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) --
Today is a 5 --
You change your mind dramatically about a lifestyle improvement. A new product appears on your radar, it uses Ds and goes "bzzzzzzzz."
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) --
Today is a 4 --
In the coming week you might want to ease up on the "Bio-Dome" references, you're in danger of becoming that guy.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) --
Today is a 6 --
You and your partner cook up a little somethin'-somethin' in the bedroom. Make sure you close your air vents, if Brumhilda catches you with a hotplate again, you'll be out on your ass faster than you can say: "Gai kakhen afenyam!"
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) --
Today is a 6 --
You need some time to unwind after the big meet. Try arranging a date night that won't necessarily end in him coming upstairs.
Today is a 7 --
Although communication comes from unique directions today, ignore it. Change is never a good thing. Buy American.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) --
Today is a 4 --
A radish isn't a radish until it is planted. As long as you keep these things in mind, the penguins will stay away. Also, quit using non sequitur's, people find it annoying.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) --
Today is a 5 --
Tomorrow night, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride, f*cking with you. F*ck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) --
Today is a 5 --
New channels of information open for you. Make sure your digital recorder has its batteries charged, you don't want to be the boy who cried: "closet-case!"
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) --
Today is a 4 --
As Jupiter enters the seventh house and the new moon arrives and peeks out from behind the clouds Uranus will be visible through the Big Dipper. Close your blinds, the neighbors are complaining.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) --
Today is a 3 --
You may not hear today. You're so caught up in your own affairs, you don't even notice your friends telling you about the silverfish in your ear.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) --
Today is a 6 --
Don't shoot the messenger. If you're not clear about the message, go back to the source and shoot him.
Scorpio (Oct. 23--Nov. 21) --
Today is a 69 --
Do you want to snuggle under the covers and stay home? Call us at 1-900-SPANK-ME, we deliver, you save!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) --
Today is a 5 --
You change your mind dramatically about a lifestyle improvement. A new product appears on your radar, it uses Ds and goes "bzzzzzzzz."
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) --
Today is a 4 --
In the coming week you might want to ease up on the "Bio-Dome" references, you're in danger of becoming that guy.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) --
Today is a 6 --
You and your partner cook up a little somethin'-somethin' in the bedroom. Make sure you close your air vents, if Brumhilda catches you with a hotplate again, you'll be out on your ass faster than you can say: "Gai kakhen afenyam!"
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) --
Today is a 6 --
You need some time to unwind after the big meet. Try arranging a date night that won't necessarily end in him coming upstairs.
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